Banyo King! hahaha!

Waiting for the Pain to Go Away

My father passed away 5 years ago, but I’d only gone to the cemetery the very first all souls’ day following his death. It’s not that I don’t want to go and do what most people do during this time of the year, neither do I refuse to be there because my father doesn’t matter to me anymore..no. Up until now I still haven’t reconciled with the fact that he’s gone and he will be for the rest of my life. I know it would be deemed alittle too dramatic by some who are more inclined to follow traditions than put weight to their emotions, I can’t blame them in the same way that I can’t blame those who after many years of grieving still haven’t found the strength to stare piercing sadness and longing in the eyes.. The pain’s just too excruciating to endure.

My father and I pretty much had something that normal fathers and sons have, we had our own share of arguments and bickering, we were too much alike that we often found ourselves caught up in ugly confrontations that eventually end into mutual retreats, both mortified by the realization that we’re both hard headed and would never accept defeat, yes, that’s how we were. That’s actually what I miss most about my father, he knew how stubborn I was, and I knew for certain he learned to deal with that, I got it from him that’s why.

My father didn’t care much about a lot of things, he was pragmatic, one of the very few traits that I unfortunately didn’t get or learn from him. I was struck by how ok he was about the idea of death, he often told me that if he’d die right then and there while we’re talking he’d be fine with it cos he thought I was stable enough to take care of myself and my mother. Those statements still echo in my head, not only because when he died I felt how real and how painful it is to lose a family, but because I could have asked him about what’s bothering him, I could’ve done something for him to ever forget about leaving us so soon. But I chose to keep quiet for I knew how sick he was, I wanted him to think that I was strong enough to assume the responsibilities to the family. But, God knows how much I wanted to fix him, the storm inside of me just wouldn’t subside, I was rebelling against the idea of taking over the what he’ll leave behind, but more than that, the anguish and the confusion as to why someone who had always been with me for almost 27 years would leave without ever coming back just like that..

I wanted to fix him so badly.. if I could just have a share of the pain he was in at the time I would have.

I don’t think this coming Nov.1 is gonna be any different from the past three Nov.1’s.. I still would choose to just stay home and wait for the pain to go away..

Hindi ko pa ulit kayang makita ang pangalan ng tatay ko sa lapida.  

HOW'S THIS FOR A PET?! HAHAHA!

perfect day

i know how pictures nowadays could be edited and would seem like more authentic than real ones, but this one i took on the very first day of our Excite Seminar at URS Morong using just a phone with 3.2 megapixel camera. how could anything go wrong if this kind of view would greet you early on.. it's like life reassuring you that everything's goin' uphill from here, and that everything's gonna be alright.

EXCITE

I hated myself for having an enormous ego, i've always had this deluded feeling that i know everything, or at least there's nothing too difficult for me to learn.. But there's one one thing, and i mean one thing that scared the hell out me whenever my superior asked me to accomplish something that had something to do with it, microsoft Excel.The sheer presence of the words "elmer-excel" in a sentence sent shiver down my spine.. (i remember how the lack of knowledge about it cost me the job i so wanted  almost a decade ago.) until 3 days ago when sir Fernan discussed all about it with such patience and clarity that i found myself engrossed, i was even surprised to find myself memorizing the different formulas, making sure that i didn't get left behind.

COFFEE AND DOUGHNUT, ANYONE?

disrespect often rears its ugly head..it would just bite your ass in the middle of a quiet afternoon while having your regular dose of coffee and doughnut, and all you could say is "damn it! i didn't see that coming!".. and because of the massive self-realization that you've been incredibly stupid for allowing yourself be a victim of  shallow hatred and deep idiocy, you suddenly find yourself smashing the coffee cup on your head and using a sharp fragment to slit your wrist and bleed yourself to death... and as the darkness gradually takes the light from your eyes, you mumble to your struggling and panting little self "why the ef did i do this to myself...?" and the question's not even an attempt at drama and rhetoric but a query that's triggered by another monumental realization that yet again you've just committed a crime against sanity and logic.. then, with a few short breath left before life finally drains out of you, a familiar voice calls out "get up you li'l piece of sh*t! SM's waiting for us!" hahaha without question or hesitation, no rhyme or reason you rise and dust yourself up.. then off to SM you and your bestfriend go..
now will it happen again?! HELL TO THE NO!

waiting.

the taste of my nonsense

i started typing this note without having something on my mind to really talk about, i just feel like typing, and i guess write about whatever is bugging me or whatever is making me smile (wait, the latter's terribly corny, but that's the point, i am ready to disregard everything, even if it means death to my 'coolness', now that's a complete departure from planet modesty- claiming that i am 'cool', well, i am cool, at least that's how i have been seeing myself as for the past i can't remember how many years).

...now, i really don't know what to talk about..

can't think of anything interesting, the only thought that occupies my mind rightnow is my weightloss.
i effin' lost 5 lbs in the past week. that's a freakin' achievement, but it's nothing to actually celebrate about since i probably lost that much because of this effin' influenza!

blogger.com  has 'edit note' feature, right? pro'ly get back to this note to improve it, or better yet delete it.

oh and i was reading some articles online and saw this line "intolerance will not be tolerated", this is ninja! hehehehe!

tata!